The Babbling Chronicles (babb_chronicles) wrote,
The Babbling Chronicles
babb_chronicles

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Best Of Babb from Part 87 (LXXXVII) to Part 113 (CXIII) - PART 1

Collected and organized by the awesome and immensly talented cheryl_bites, to whom I owe a debt of eternal gratitude. :)

LONG LIVE ANOREXIA! IT WILL NEVER DIE!

She was beautifully slender, but this was because her mother's favourite punishment was starvation.
*
Lithium had a long length of wavy-brown hair, and burning crimson red eyes, was about 5’5, and had a skinny, but slightly curvy body due to the fact that she rarely ate.
*
(A/N: btw you were or are very skinny from lack of food because your father and his girlfriend only gave you one meal a day

*
You are healthy skinny and have NO eating Disorder (you eat way to much food if you ask me)
*
She was skinny, but had curves in the right places. But her eyes still bore the sadness of the scars of her tragic past.
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Amy was tall with big breasts, a small stomach, curves in all the right places, and legs for miles. Amy was perfect.
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She looked like the type that would cry if she broke a nail; with her slim, curvacious body, curly, brown locks, and radiant cobalt - blue eyes.
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He legs were now nice and long, and she was now about a D in cup size… yet skinny (lucky genes she figured).
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She was skinny and short only about 5 feet tall and at the most 90lbs.
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She was skinny, very skinny with big long curly golden hair, and was about 5’ 7” and looked like a model with her clothes.
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Sometimes I do feel a little jealous of Ashlee as she has perfect long black straight hair and she doesn’t ever have to straight-brush it and she’s skinny as hell with an incredibly nice rack.
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Another Note: Crabbe and Goyle are non-existent in this story. They were both found to be too big and fat and stupid to attend Hogwarts, so their fat, tearful parents sent them to Smeltings instead, where they get to have fun beating up Dudley Dursley with their Smeltings' sticks. As will I have fun beating you with a fully-loaded wand should you read this and later happen to ask, "So, where's Crabbe and Goyle?"

SHITE LETTERS

Dear Hermione,
We are pleased to inform you that you are our granddaughter, princess of the wizarding world. You will be expected to marry the prince before the eve of his nineteenth birthday two years from this very day. We will give you three hints as to who he is: 1) he is a wizard, 2)he goes to Hogwarts, and 3) he is head boy. You will find out who he is soon enough but we caution you do not judge him until you know who he truly is for he is your true love.
Love,
Your Grandparents
mylla: P.S. We do not, however, plan to give you anny hints as to who we are. You can just guess.
*
‘Dear Mr. Harry James Potter
We cordially invite you to our ball the Monday of next week. We are having a ball at your behalf for an early birthday party to you because as you come into your full powers at age seventeen you will also be crowned king of elves and fairies for your mother was truly adopted and was full elf while your father was part fairy and never knew both unknowingly were the last of our royalty and that left you and your sister as king and queen until you marry were your wife be deemed queen and your sister princess. All your friend and people of your kingdom will be receiving invitations as well on a less informative level of course. If you have never heard that you will be becoming king then I blame albus Dumbledore for not telling you and I will have an in-depth conversation with you a few days before the ball and will pick you and your friends up from wherever you are it doesn’t really matter so please owl us back as soon as you have finished fainting because I’m sure by the time you have re-read this you will have so after you have please owl us back who you would like to invite and 1-20 people you would like to bring there early with you.
Thank you sincerely
The elfin and fairy kingdom
Dear kingdoms
I thank you for throwing me a party although you don’t have to. Any way I never new that I was king and I really never knew I had a sister so if you will please come pick me up in three days time so that we can discuss this I would appreciate this immensely and yes I would appreciate it if you picked me and my friends up at a house called the burrow that belongs to by friend Ron Weasley. He and his family will be attending the ceremony early along with Hermione granger, Neville Longbottom, my owl Hedwig, Remus Lupin. If you wouldn’t mind if you know were my sister is if you could bring her with you when picking me up because I have never seen her before.
Thank you immensely
Harry James potter
*
Draco
Your recent decision in regards to your initiation has tarnished the Malfoy name.
I will not have you cause the downfall of our family.
As death will befall you in a few short weeks you have been disowned from the family line.
Your mother is pregnant with the new family heir and sends her shallow sympathy.
You were never my son.
~Lucius Malfoy
*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your names Lily
And I love you.
The poem was singed
Your Secret Admirer
“Wow” thought Lily, this person knows how to spell.”
“It can’t be James or Sirius, they don’t know how to spell”.
jesterquin: It's from Peter.
broi: Bloody hell. If they really know how to spell, they've also just set their romantic poem on fire. That MUST be Sirius or James.
*
Dear Potter,
You may be startled to discover that this letter was written by none other than Draconis Mystier Malfoy.
r05km: Dear Malfoy,
Am very suprised as it happens. Had no idea you had such a ridiculous name.
Harry Potter.
*
Dear Harry,
I hope that this letter finds you well and still sane. Molly is still freaking over the fact that you are going to spending five years in Azkaban, I told her that Sirius spent 12 years in there and that you could do five easy. But there is a reason way I decided to write, Harry Molly can’t bring her self to tell you but there is no way that we can get you out of there before five years, I’m sorry.
Your friend,
Moony
eskimosatan: Dear Moony,
Fuck you.
Harry
*
Dear Harry,
It’s almost Christmas Brake. and then you can write back to all my letters. I miss you, just knowing I can even see you makes me sad.
Love,
Ginny
absurdixie: I was so sure I'd never have to look at your ugly mug again, but alas, you got a windowed cell.
*
Dear Harry,
I have to inform you that the funeral for Sirius Black is in Hogwarts grounds, tomorrow. 6:00 clock, if you wish to come owl me back.
Ps: Cheer up Harry.
From: Remus Lupin.
merusa: Dear Remus,
Fuck off.
<3 xoxo Harry
*
Dear Hermione,
I am glad to hear that you will be let them stay with you. I made it possible to let them come today at 12:00 p.m. this afternoon. I shall send someone from the Order to get them from the airport to your house. I will see you at Hogwarts!
You’re Headmaster,
Albus Dumbledore
malefics: Goodness, isn't she a little young?
*
Dear miss granger,
I am writing you a letter to inform you that the order of the phoenix needs you,
*
wulfkub: That sounds very suspiciously like a letter I got from the US Navy. I threw it away.
*
Dear Harry
If you are reading this then me and your father are dead. But I need to tell you James was not your birth father in our seventh year during a death eater attack James was left sterile so when we wanted to conceive we asked Sirius to help I developed a spell that would make your magic that of both potter and black. Also I was adopted my real name is lily rose grindenwald yes your grandfather is the dark lord go to gringott’s ask for goldsmelt tell him that you want the family rings and a gift test as the name says it test for all your gifts. Goldsmelt will tell you the rest I have to leave Dumbledore is coming he know who i'am but doesn’t know I know.
Ps. the phoenix is your it was your grandfathers its name is Kage it is Japanese for shadow and get in contact with my old friends bellatrix black (Estrange) narcissia black (malfoy andromeda black (tonks) and if your living with that horse-fuck of a step-sister crucio her for me and if she is still with the human whale castrate the fucker he tried to rape me once but luckily Sirius was there with James
Love MUM
wirelesstouch: it'd be pretty scary to get a letter like that with "Love, Mum" written all nicely at the end.
*
Dear Son,
(...)
First, you must know that, despise the fact that he loves you like his own son; James is not your father...
almostamused: "Ok, if you insist." Harry took a deep breath. "I HATE YOU FOR LOVING ME, JAMES!!!!" Harry said.....softly.
*
...In fact, he is your uncle. Yes, people thought that I was muggleborn, but only James and I know, at this point that I am not. We discovered in the summer between our sixth and seventh year at Hogwarts that we are twins, but because of the danger with Voldemort and him killing your grandparents, and being after James, we decided to keep it a secret.
(...)
Now to the most important and most difficult news on this day, you are a girl.
I’m sorry to tell it so bluntly but you will start feeling the charm getting off as soon you finish reading this letter.
almostamused: "I can fix that." Harry said. "Incendio! Bloody Suethor." The unfinished letter burned to a crisp.
*
Hey Cuzin,
What is up? You know me, just sitting here being bored. Do you think your mom would let you come stay the rest of the summer with me in America? Come on, California is sooo fun! There's two months left and I know you, seeing as you're in England, don't have a tan. Beg your mom if you have to, but send me your reply with Tink asap!
Okay I love ya bye bye now,
Fox Cub
(you know, umm...your cousin)
pica_scribit: Dear Fox Cub,
I think your owl went astray. I don't have any cousins in America. All my cousins are muggles, and they can spell.
Hermione
*
My dearest Severus,
I am sorry that I did not tell you before but when we were dating in seventh year I became pregnant with triplets. I cam to tell you but discovered that you were a death eater and I ran away and married James Potter. We kept one of the triplets while putting two up for adoption to help them survive. Yes, Severus, Harry is yours not James.
The two others I believe were adopted by the Malfoy's and a muggle family. There were two boys and a girl. I named them, Daemyn Nikolas Salazar Snape, Jaden Draconius Severus Snape, and Graziella Adamina Elizabeth Emberlynn Alanna Lily Snape.
I tried to keep the names from your family and adding a few from my own family.
mistyraven: A few? A FEW?

RANDOM GAYNESS

“welcome back students of 1999. you are here to join us in Hogwarts Fist anuual School Reunion!...”
tea_elle: Later that evening, Sirius and James would be given a month of detention after being caught attempting to romove the two Us from the banner above the teacher's table.
*
“If you come any closer I will slash you within an inch of your life!”
*
Okay so harry was a nice child. He respected his elders and always ate his vegetables. But he was a gay homosexually active man.
kikiblue: A gay homosexually active man who eats his vegetables!! Surely they do not exist!
*
She was wearing a grey mini skirt that had a lace rimming around it.
*
“Sorry. Too bad, so sad. Your wish is my command.” All of a sudden Harry just turned into a fairy without warning.
“I’m, I’m. I’m Pink! I’m puny! I’m a pink puny fairy!” Harry screamed. Snape came over to Harry with an electric fly swatter.
lillian78: Well, at least they kept Snape in character.
tea_elle: I'm wondering what Harry intended to wish for here...
eskimosatan: Snape looked at Harry, assessing his situation, “Well, overall, it isn’t that much of a change.”
“What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?! I am pink, I am puny, and I am a fairy!”
“Yes, well, pink is new for you, but you’ve always been on the small side, and we all knew you were gay.”
With a growl, Harry pointed at Snape. “Laugh all you want now, Snape, but mark my words, you’re next.”
“Ha, I’d like to her try and tarnish my sullen reputation.”
As if in answer to the dare, the clouds opened and a ray of light struck the former professor, transforming him into a baby-blue pixie.
Snape flitted around, glaring at the heavens and what he assumed were the many fanfic author’s above. “I hate you all, you do realize that.”
Harry chuckled.
*
Ron- Harry I’m so sorry that I thought that you enter yourself I should know that you would never risk your life.
Harry- I would never risk my own life like that and it’s ok that you thought I entered myself Ron.
pica_scribit: *snork* OK, I know this must be about the Tri-Wizard Tournament, but I have a dirty mind this late at night.
*
i cant be seen WITH lily Evans!, shes a sardonic and diabolical lesbian! (dont really know if she is one but still).
*
(the fic`s summary)
as hermoine was talking to bellatrix, she got a pleasurable urge in her clitoris. whats this? she wondered, i've never felt this before.

VOLDEMORT IMPOSTORS

The woldemort danger was there still.
*
Rose shoved her away. “This Voldie dude killed my parents,
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Voldmort had one the wore oh so terribley(A/N how do u even spell terribley).
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"okay bring me harry potter" the snake like man said "btw my name is vodemrot"
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Harry has had this dream for the past 2 year after the down fall of Voldy (I’ve shorten it he he).
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"oh yes you are brave and clever and cunnning and also loyal you will fit into all houses, but Iwill pick slythering for you as you have piotential to be gret like Voldermet"
*
and then Snape said "What is it2
"Voeldmetrt has a nice and she is hofwarts somwere" he said
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Hagrid came over and was so happy that Volodamort didn't get her or elce he would have to Kill him self!
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Yes kiddo, im here to help you.to fight along side you and forever rid the world of the suck ass tom marvolo riddle."
*
He then showed her his scar and she smiled because she knew he survived Veltemort.
*
(from the author`s notes)
I don't really like the name Riddle so I made my own Dark Lord.
anguis_1: Just call me Dr. Voldenstein!
*
Oh I hate Lord Voldemolt. I don’t even know why I’m calling him lord voldemolt
malefics: I don’t either.
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I Lord Voldamorte have a daughter which I care so much for that I became this monstrosity of human, if I can even be called that.
*
My mother was veela that’s why im so pretty even tho I hate it so much and my dad was voldimort
*
"Harry Potter." a snake like voice said from in front of Harry.
"Avada Kedavra, bye Tom." Harry said, watching as Voldamort fell to the ground.
mylla: And Harry lived the rest of his life in constant fear, eventually driven mad by his paranoia, until all anyone could get out of him was, "It was just TOO. DARN. EASY!"
*
Voldemort looked at the Muggle bodies from his window, then turned his piercing, scarlet eyes to Bella's dark, inticing ones. "That was bloody brilliant!" he declared, pulling her close into an awkward, but deep, passionate kiss.
almostamused: RON IS THE DARK LORD!!!
*
However the man that everyone speaks of as an evil, uncomely, gruesome man, is not the man that she knows. Kylee knows a man as her father, who cares for her deeply. He may not show is affection very often, but in her heart she knows it’s there. She knows in the way he looks at her, the way he hugs her, the way he comforts her when she looks for comfort from him. She doesn’t think of him as Lord Voldman.
*
“My faithful, if somewhat unworthy followers, my brothers and, sisters” *bows to Bella* “allow me to introduce myself; I am the REAL Lord Voldemort, long lost to this world by a spell turned wrong.”
“I have suffered many trials, travelled many countries, killed many unbelievers, only to return to my family to find this IMPOSTER *turns around and points to Voldemort* trying to take over! Why, I ask you? Because he wants to be ME, that’s why!”

THE ENIGMA AWARD FOR OUR INTERNATIONAL TEAM OF CRYPTOGRAPHERS

Summary: The maurders era LJ a million duh! and SOC ROC. See James and Lily kill each other thorough the years...... starts in their 5th year the beginning
gehayi: what does "LJ a million duh! and SOC ROC” mean? All I can think of are a million LiveJournals (duh) and socks with rocks in them.
beardedtroll: I think the first part might, possibly, have been thought (as much as Suethors think) to mean (as much as one can ascribe meaning to a bad-fic) something along the lines of "[This fic is meant to be] an Marauder era LJ. [That should be] A million duhs [worth of obvious.]"
eskimosatan: After careful examination, I do believe that SOC ROC means Sirius/Original Character and Remus/Original Character. I am torn on whether LJ is Lily/James, or beardedtroll's interpretation. I'd like to say that all the confusion is ff.net's fault for not allowing the backslash, but, really, the author carries at least 97% of the blame for this one.
*
I almost tripped… 454247563435 times. I was the very definition of cults,
wulfkub: So you were 'A religion or religious sect generally considered to be extremist or false, with its followers often living in an unconventional manner under the guidance of an authoritarian, charismatic leader' then? (Dictionary.com)
tea_elle: I...*think* the author here was going for the word "klutz," but I can't be entirely sure. This is mostly likely a case of spelling it "cluts" and being foiled by spellcheck. Curse you, Word!
x_audioscene: Thank you so much, I had already wasted 42798234627389 brain cells trying to figure out that on my own.
*
Ron,
Is it ture that ur parents are on holiday seeing chailer? What eve! Oh yeah iam coming down after I get your letter back.
Hope to see you and Ginny soon
Harry
agatha_s: I was able to figure out that "chailer" is Charlie, but does anyone have any idea about "What eve"?
minnow_53: I thought it meant 'whatever'. But who knows?
*
“O.k. What was your antie going to make you wear to a muggle school?”
Harry flashed red “A dry jump of duley,”
ryttu3k: I... have absolutely no idea what 'a dry jump of duley' IS. Help?
lied_ohne_worte: A dyed jumper of Dudley?
ryttu3k: Ohhh, okay! Thanks! I don't read Incoherent, sorry ^_^
*
You arched your back as he tediously penetrated within you.
mylla: I don't even know what they THINK 'tedious' means!
skirmish_of_wit: I'm guessing "tediously" comes from using the Word thesaurus to look up synonyms for "slowly." Because, you know, if Word lists it as a synonym, THE MEANINGS MUST BE IDENTICAL.

HORRIFIC SEX SCENES

Not aware that anyone was watchin, Harry started ramming rons hard up his man crack and became highly aroused by the fact that this was taking place in a public dormitory. Suddenly, he sprayed his jism all over Rons anal hole spraying as far as Nevilles bed where he was slowly and quietly abusing himself under his covers, with the taste for cock, Harry moved over to his next victim…
shocolate: Oh, thank you for teh Worst Harry/Ron Evah!!!!
*
well harry had met dumbledore on the top of the roof for his weekly lesson. Immediatly both men had a wet swimsuit contest, mud wrestled, and spooned with Ron for about an hour. Oh how they had so much fun, touching eatch other and prancing around the big castle roof nude. They would sing and fly their broomsticks butt naked. But one night while harry and dumbledore were viciously making out. and i mean they were gettin at it dumbledore slipped on a torn up condom and fell all the way to the ground and landed butt naked. Harry ran and hid under his bed............. with ron, untill he finally confessed snape did it.
kerosene_kisses: Two words. What?! and Ick!
*
Oh the children that were conceived that winter! Not to mention the line that were crossed. There were inner-house orgies all over the school. Most were rape that turned to hot, steamy, wanted sex. The 'day- after' pills were being taken like Tylenol!
Love was in the air. OK no it wasn't people were just really horny that year. Don't ask why you'll get all kinds of answers. Half the graduating class dropped out before it was all said and done.
I remember one night when you couldn't go anywhere with out running into an unsheathed penis or unlined vagina. It was just impossible!
wulfkub: I swear I have a baseball bat around here somewhere. Let's see if that whole 'rape' thing really does turn into 'wanted' sex, shall we?
*
“You know you want some…” the homeless man said, watching Harry retch, “you can’t fight a homeless man’s love.”
Harry wiped his mouth with his sleeve and kicked the man in the balls. Strangely, Harry didn’t feel anything down there to kick.
“Oh my!” cried Harry before swiftly pulling out his wand. The man smiled as he looked at Harry’s….
“Oh shit!” Harry exclaimed. He quickly put his penis away and grabbed his real wand that let out small moaning noises as he waved it around.
“That’s no wand!” the homeless man said laughing, “that’s my boyfriends penis!”
Harry yelled and threw ‘the wand’ and ran away screaming his head off. He didn’t get far because another homeless man grabbed Harry in an embrace and began to fondle Harry’s items…
“No means no!” Harry bellowed while breaking free of the man’s wandering hands.
miss_chamomile: Wait, I'm sorry, what the fuck?
*
Crab got hornier and hornier and hornier until he couldn't stand it any longer.
He jumped up and grabbed Goyle tearing off what was left of his clothes.
Goyle lovingly made out with him.
Goyle and Crab both fell on the bed together.
Goyle grabbed Crab's big hard dick in his hand and stroked it.
Crab then licked Goyle's lips, then went to his neck, then his ear, until Goyle stopped him and did the same.
Goyle went lower and took his dick and stuck it inside his very warm mouth.
He licked and sucked Crab's dick until, Crab said "I going to cum right now if you don't stop."
Goyle quickly rolled over and and Crab stuck it inside his tight ass, fucking him harder, and harder, and harder, until he came all inside Goyle's ass.
"I love you so much Crab, you know that don't you?" Goyle said passionately.
"I love you too with all my heart, and I’ll never stop loving you even after death." Crab responded.
heartnomar52: "No, you should really stop then," said Goyle, making a mental note to have his body cremated.
*
She fell into a sleep…
She looked around feeling very naked, she looked down at herself and saw that she was wearing stripper's clothes. She gasped and looked around it was a dark cemetery with Death Eaters looking at her.
In the middle was Voldemort looking at her in amusement, his red eyes looking over body. He let out a evil laugh, and all the others joined him also.
"Hello Darling…Dance for us! Show us what you got" He commanded.
She felt her legs being moved around and her waist was turning from side to side. She was dancing. It sort of a nasty way.. She bent down and she was brought back up with her butt up in the air. Her hands traveled across her body.
A pole appeared out of nowhere and she was forced upon it and she was sliding around. One leg with over and she slid down the bottom and back up. She felt the Death Eaters and Voldemort approach her and they started to touch her.
wulfkub: Hey, I've had that dream. Only Lucius was naked and covered in chocolate syrup...
Ah, did I say that out loud? *shifty eyes*
*
“SIRIUS!” Harry shouted.
“Oh, Harr- Oh my god… uhh…” Sirius began to contort in pain, and his fingertips began to decompose.
“No!” Shouted Ed. “One of the boys must have not actually been a virgin! I think I have an idea… Harry- you’re a virgin, right?”
“Y-yes, I am” stuttered Harry.
“Since you were born of a pregnant man, you must have the male pregnancy gene! You can reincarnate Sirius if you let him impregnate you! But this would only work if you are really a virgin. If not, both of you will die.”
“I really am a virgin. I will do anything to rebirth my godfather!”...
He began to stroke Sirius’s manhood and just as beads of precum started coming out, Harry positioned his bottom on Sirius’s erect pink elephant. Sirius spewed his load into his godson, and he disappeared inside of it.
joymaro: This is where I finally lost it and coughed so hard I almost lost my breakfast.

LEAST HELPFUL GUEST STAR

Well first we have Angle.
The Strange man steped forward and took a bow.
Angel is from america and now owns a lawfrim for demons and such monsters.
The this young lady is Buffy she slays vampiers.
next to her is Micheal and Gabriel Van Hellsing they also hunt down Vampiers and demons and such other monsters.
then next to them are Billy joel lead singer of Green day and a Assain of the Death Eaters.
And lastly Mike shindo of the name less band his band are all Soilders with strong magical backrounds across the globe.
Any Qutions Harry.
wulfkub: He's going to do what, exactly? Write a song about killing the Death Eaters?
shadowgardens: Isn't Billy Joel a little old to be an assasin? I mean fighting beside Billie Joe and 'Angle' can't be good for his ego.
cryptaknight: I'm now picturing Billy Joel fronting Green Day, leading them in a punk rendition of "For the Longest Time," which is so lethally bad that Death Eaters spontaneously combust.

FRANTIC ICONAGE

I'm am so damn evil. I am the evilest evil being to ever be EVIL! Muhahahaha. I should make an evil dance, or an evil theme song. Voooldemoort. Heee's soooo freakin' eviilllll. He's sooo daaannng hooott and sexyyyy. He's going to ruule the WOOORLLD!
*
“What? You’re taking me to Dragon Alley!” I said, my green eyes getting wide. Marcus just laughed lightly like I had said something extremely funny.
“No, not Dragon Alley, Elisabeth. Di-a-gon Alley,” He said in between laughs.
“You British people and your words,” I said rolling my eyes as I grabbed floo powder, yet again, from on top of the fireplace.
*
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.
*
I laugh with roar!!Ha Ha Ha Ha!said Draco.
kokopellinelli: Heeee. I'm totally gonna start using the phrase "I laugh with roar! HAHAHAHA!" in everyday conversation.
runcible_spoom: This must be iconned right now! It is so ordered!
I'd do it, but I'm feeling a bit cleavagey.
*
she did not want to be in slyhtering at all because slythering was for the evils.
*
The beans of light reflected off the goblets on the table.
heartnomar5: Harry Potter and the Beans of Light should totally be the title of book 7.
*
They randomly stepped out of the common room only to be intercepted by the evil Lotions master,Professor Snap.
*
The pillow duel ended with Hermione’s mum standing above her screaming, “RESISTENCE IS FRUTILE”
*
“I’m Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Slytherin sex god.” He said.
tabbiecat: And why is it always Draco the Slytherin Sex God? Why do we never hear of, say, Ernie MacMillan, the Hufflepuff Love Machine?
*
“Ronnie?” Harry asked incredibly.
"Yo, fo' shizzle' my nizzle, we gangstas in da hood, yo, we gets shot at, yo! By the way it’s Ro’shizzle, fo’ yo’ info’mation!” Ron, or Ro’shizzle announced as he strutted towards them. “F’shizizzle foo.”

“ERM, EXCUSE ME, I’M ACTUALLY BLACK”

“What! Who are my parents? Can I meet them? Do I know them?” Hermione was full of questions.
“They’re coming to pick you up at eleven. They are pureblood wizards. You have a concealment charm on you. You have a twin brother Blaise.”
wulfkub: "He just happens to be black and, well, so are you."
"I'm black?"
"Why does it always have to be about color with you, Hermione?"
*
your twin who also goes to Hogwarts, I’m sure you know him, it’s Blaise Zabini.”
Hermione stared at him, then without any sign she fainted. It was all too much.
*
Blaise Zabini- what do I know about him? He's around 6 foot 2.. has this gorgeous olive-colored skin.. an Italian.. addicted to coffee. He has this black curly, messy hair and the bluest eyes you'd ever see anywhere.

MOST SURPRISING DISCLAIMER

nothing that is/or correlates to anything Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling.

BEST NEW WORDS

"God I hate these robes!" Harry growled. "It's so damaging to our individualosity to have to wear them!"
"Oh." Draco whispered. "I was happy, but now I'm sad."
*
A new oddery undoubtedly!
*
She had short, dark brown hair, beautifureen eyes, and pale skin, and she appeared to be 5’8.
*
Tod had no idea how cadoic it would be when the boy woke up.
*
Some things could get confusifying, so for that I suggest you read my fanfic It started out with a kiss.
*
She wore a pleated black skirt and a white button up blouse, the top two buttons wouldn't button. So it was a bit cleavagey.
*
But with his pervious family having been his Aunt and Uncle
*
While Remus looked absolutely adorable in his medium sized red bow(which fell off the pervious day)
*
MY sisters Tattoo is one of a unicorn eating, on her left shoulder. And her necklace and ring is made out of gold, which means it is un-spellable. Her tattoo from our fathers says Daddy’s Girl. As you can see, I am also much more complitcated then she is.
mylla: Com.plit.cat.ed - adjective Aggressively anti-cliche, such that it becomes a cliche itself, due to fabricated angst and pretentious "attitude".
*
Draco esquorted Hermione inside his black limo.

UGH

Her finger unbuttoned his white shit and she slowly took it off

MARY SEWAGE; OR, “MY OC IS SO SOOPER SPESHUL THAT THE AK DOESN’T EVEN KILL PEOPLE ANY MORE”

"Avada Kedrava," Harry heard someone in the corner of the room whisper.
"Who's there?" Harry said after casting the reversal that Shay had found in a book.

THE OBLIGATORY “STRANGE ROMANCE” SECTION (IT GOES ON, AND ON, AND ON)

his tingue brushed her lower lip in the ancient art of asking for permission to enter, she opened it and felt his tongue mating with hers.
*
How could his own family expect him to join Voldemort, and become his “Bitch?”
skarch86: Easily. Lucius had been in that spot for years. He got a collectible “I am Voldie’s Bitch” button for his services.
*
Draco is raped and becomes pregnant. Will his fellow Prefects be able to keep his pregnancy a secret from the teachers and the Junior Death Eaters? HG/DM.
aurora_enkeli: Am I the only one who, for a brief moment, thought that Hermione must have taken a potion/been hit with a charm and/or been born a hermaphrodite and was in fact the one who raped Draco?
*
He looked at my bra like it was some mutant animal blocking his path.
empy: Yeah, I've met guys like that.
*
Harry is having a little trouble with his relationship life on top of voldemort and his crap.
anguis_1: Really, Harry! You should know better than to try to start a relationship on voldemort’s lap when he’s in the loo.
*
Horse Back Riding with a crowd of witches and wizards proved to be more than interesting. More than once the group had to stop Mr. Weasley from “experimenting” with a horse, and also keeping Fred and George from experimenting as well.
vvvexation: "Dammit! Didn't we see enough of this in Aberforth's day?"
miladyhawke: And already we have our first Harry Potter/Equus crossover.
*
He was holding her grand daughter by her breasts.
“Guards seize this creature,” said Dorothy.
*
And my fathers tattoo, says Daddy’s Tomboy right above my butt.
beardedtroll: Oh, that's ... nice. No, actually, that's a lie. It's pretty damned disturbing is what it is.
*
A red head boy woke in his acttic room, in a cold swear. He was think about Hermione. Ron had been in tow minds all holiday, her wanted to be with her but Harry and You Know Who.
vvvexation: So...his HP/LV shipping is taking up too much of his time for him to focus on his RW/HG shipping?
Lily survives the night Voldemort came, but has been in a coma for the past 21 years.
anguis_1: Seeing the Dark Lord in the throes of passion must have been pretty traumatizing.
*
Sirius took his Godson over by the bed
telyn_timber: ... I'm going to the special hell.
beardedtroll: Considering the company you're in here, I don't think it's going to be all that special.
telyn_timber: True I suppose. It will be fun though.
the_reda: special enough, just not lonely ;-)
artemisofluna: *raises hand* I'll be there. My thoughts were 'Oh, Sirius, you naughty man you!' Quickly followed by 'I am severely disturbed....'
*
Boys vs. Girls...yeah we decided to make Peter a 'girl' too. Me and James, we had LOADS of fun
wulfkub: castrating the little bastard.
*
(the fic’s title)
Harry Potter and the Legend of the Sixteen Inch Penis

PROBLEMS WITH COLOURS

She had eyes that of an ocean during the rising of the sun – beautifully green.
*
Her hair was raven blue and that was another specialty that James felt hard not to notice.
*
Oddly enough, Darkness had black eyes but they seemed to be tinted purple which is where Darkness aquired her name.
*
Draco had eyes of an eagle, pale as the bottom of the ocean.
*
His eyes glowed a deep color of hatred
ducky16: What exactly is the color of hatred?

PROBLEMS WITH “UP”

“I knew you two were up her.” Narcissa said, as the excitement in her voice began to increase.
*
Pansy, Crabb, and Goyle, looked up him with a smile on their faces.

FUNNY STUFF

Here lies Draco Malfoy, hair gel extraordinaire and beloved git. Rest in horse shit.
On second thoughts, perhaps it’s best if I don’t get a headstone at all.
emotionalwench: I actually thought this was genuinely funny, and not just in a "so-bad-it's-funny" kind of way.
*
Seamus and Dean were once again trying to have sex on the stage, but were dragged off by a disgusted McGonagall.
*
‘A note from your beloved Headmaster: since boredom has hit this school hard, I am proud to announce a FANCY DRESS COMPETITION! Everyone is obliged to attend (including faculty). A party shall be held in December when the winners shall be announced.
-A.P.W.B.D (affectionately known as Dumbly)’
*
(yes, sorry, but this trailor does have a fireplace....if you could call that a fireplace, personally I think it's more of a confused toilet)
*
“Now why didn’t we think of that before?” Harry said slapping his head. So he grabbed the machine gun and shot Voldemort in the head…then in the balls for good measure.
“No!!! My weakest point! How did you know? AAAAARGH!!!” Voldemort let out a piercing scream and shrank to the ground.
fer_de_lance: Duuuuude. My respect for Voldie has suddenly increased tenfold! Any villain who can be shot in his weakest point AND in the balls, and STILL converse in full sentences, has got to be the most powerful villain evar!!

UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY STUFF

Fourth year James had 52 houselves hide inside a large pumpkin, and jump out with a cake that James had decorated himself while playing the bagpipes.
*
The challenge was to find the very lightsaber that Obi Wan used to kill Darth Mall.
mamadeb: That's where you'll find the Voldamart.
*
Harry's special power is to sing, which causes his enemies to convulse on the ground.
shocolate: Awesome - I have a special power!

*
MY sisters Tattoo is one of a unicorn eating, on her left shoulder. And her necklace and ring is made out of gold, which means it is un-spellable.
beardedtroll: G - O - L - D, gold. Myth busted.
*
He was wearing a black suite
almostamused: "Impressive." said Hermione.
"I find it easier to carry my furniture with me." said Harry. "That way I shall never want for a seat."
*
"WHATCHA LOOKIN AT??!!" James yelled and started throwing his vegetables at people's faces.
*
Dumbledore- good evening students and ghosts I have grave news Lord Voldemort today showed his true colors and he has killed Harry Potter.
The whole hall was screaming and Ginny was crying and then
Dumbledore- now that Harry is gone Voldemort is gone as well and now if you join me we will give Harry a nice funnel
valis2: Voldemort: *sings* You'll see my true colors shining through...
Harry: *holds funnel in shock* I really hope you're not going to try to change my oil.
artemisofluna: That's what you should always give someone after they die. A funnel. It's cheaper than a funeral and it's practical too. You can...funnel...things.
adalanne: Wait, showed his true colors? ...Because we were all certain he was joking about that whole "I want to kill Harry Potter" thing?
almostamused: Now I see Harry, all gussied up in the open coffin, his arms clasped about his breast, a funnel delicately nestled between them.
Or, if you believe that everyone gave him a funnel, you can alternatively imagine him giving his best Madonna impression with the two largest ones.
*
“What do you mean?” I said stunned.
“Well it’s because you hang out with Potter and he always makes me sound like the evil guy but I’m not evil - it’s just that my father was a Death Eater and he assumes that I’m evil.” he blurted out.
beardedtroll: "Well, you are."
"Yes, but it's the principle of the thing. He shouldn't just assume it!"
*
"Finally after years of failed, yet elaborat plans. I have found a way to destroy this horrible city! Now they will feel my wrath!"
The man continued to ramble on. He said something about being a misjudge sausage.
And then her laughed maniacally.
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